Previous 'grief diaries':
- Grief Diaries 1
- Grief Diaries 2
- Grief Diaries 3
- Grief Diaries 4

Grief continues to be weird.

I thought I had been doing fairly well over the last month.  I got through James's birthday.  I also completed more paperwork things that reminded me this nightmare is real.

I have been making a habit of stopping by James's childhood home.  When I drop my kiddo off at my parents' house, I usually like to take the long way home.  When I go this route, James's childhood road is directly across from where I would turn to go to our house.  One day I just decided to make my trip a little longer & drive by there.  No one lives on the property.  It's also on a quiet back road so I can park there & think a little bit.

I've done this numerous times over the past month.  I've done a lot of thinking staring at where my husband grew up.  I'd cry a little sometimes or just leave before the thoughts got too deep.

Previous 'grief diaries':
- Grief Diaries 1
- Grief Diaries 2

The stages of grief are weird.  I always thought there were 5 stages of grief but I linked the post above with 7 stages.  Now that I'm in the thick of grief, there are probably a million stages.

I wish grief was a problem that could be solved.  Like I could do the work & just be done cycling through the stages.

For me, working through grief is like spinning a wheel & landing on whatever emotions I'll feel that day.  Just the other day, I was screaming in my car on the way home from somewhere.  The emotion came out of the blue but when it hit, it hit hard.

Even though I can't control which emotions decide to come to light, I'm trying my best to face it & move on from each event so it stings a little less the next time it comes up.

Leaving the hospital after James's death will probably be the most surreal experience of my life.  

James died at Cleveland Clinic Main Campus, which is an absolutely huge hospital.  It is quite a walk to get to inpatient rooms.  On the lower level of the hospital are areas where testing is done & also the cafeteria.  There are many different little places to walk through on the way out & people are everywhere, going to & from different areas.

James was actually admitted to the hospital on the Sunday morning before he died.  By the time he was admitted, it was around 3am.  My dad was with me when we decided to go home & sleep for a few hours.  Because it was so early in the morning, there was no one at all on the way out.  It was eerie & peaceful at the same time.