Wednesday, April 06, 2022

The Grief Diaries 5

The Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog //
The 5th post in my 'grief diaries' series where I share my experiences in coping with my husband's death.

Previous 'grief diaries':
- Grief Diaries 1
- Grief Diaries 2
- Grief Diaries 3
- Grief Diaries 4

Grief continues to be weird.

I thought I had been doing fairly well over the last month.  I got through James's birthday.  I also completed more paperwork things that reminded me this nightmare is real.

I have been making a habit of stopping by James's childhood home.  When I drop my kiddo off at my parents' house, I usually like to take the long way home.  When I go this route, James's childhood road is directly across from where I would turn to go to our house.  One day I just decided to make my trip a little longer & drive by there.  No one lives on the property.  It's also on a quiet back road so I can park there & think a little bit.

I've done this numerous times over the past month.  I've done a lot of thinking staring at where my husband grew up.  I'd cry a little sometimes or just leave before the thoughts got too deep.

One day I was making my (new) normal stop over there & I absolutely lost it.  Ugly crying ensued.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  I had been there other times over the past month so this should be a routine to me & not a new thing to trigger so much grief.

The Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog //

Grief is just so weird.  I don't understand how I can put myself in the same situation several times & still have a meltdown.  I should be numb to it by now.  I've said it before but I really wish there could be a clear start to finish for grief.  Like I could do something that should trigger grief 99 times & it doesn't but on the 100th time it does.  There are just so many layers of grief.

Overall my emotions are much better these days, thankfully.  I can regulate fairly well & it doesn't feel like I'm spinning the emotion wheel every morning when I wake up.  I already worked through a lot of the paperwork stuff so I'm not constantly having to bring up the fact that James passed away & looking at his death certificate over & over.  I can bring up things in small doses & put them away again.  It's the random Tuesdays driving in the car thinking about things that blindside me.  It's remembering some of the things James said at the end.  He showed so much love & kindness to everyone in his last hours. James was so loving even though he was up against so much in his final days.

The Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog //

I'm a lot better than what I was but I still have a long road ahead of me.  I'm devoting a lot of time to my #lifeisshortmakeitsweet project which is helping me a lot.  Even though I've had so much taken from me, I have a new appreciation for life which is getting me through.

I still have bad days but I'm trying to focus on the good things.  The once in a lifetime things that I'll never get back.  I keep going back to how fast everything can end & what I would miss most when it's all over for me.  Now I chase the sunrise every single chance I can get.

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