The Grief Diaries 3

This is the third post in my 'grief diaries' series where I share my experiences in coping with my husband's death.

Previous 'grief diaries':
- Grief Diaries 1
- Grief Diaries 2

The stages of grief are weird.  I always thought there were 5 stages of grief but I linked the post above with 7 stages.  Now that I'm in the thick of grief, there are probably a million stages.

I wish grief was a problem that could be solved.  Like I could do the work & just be done cycling through the stages.

For me, working through grief is like spinning a wheel & landing on whatever emotions I'll feel that day.  Just the other day, I was screaming in my car on the way home from somewhere.  The emotion came out of the blue but when it hit, it hit hard.

Even though I can't control which emotions decide to come to light, I'm trying my best to face it & move on from each event so it stings a little less the next time it comes up.

The most difficult part of the grieving process is the unexpected events that I have no time to prepare for.  I'm pretty good at bringing my grief out in small doses & putting it back.  The part that gets me are the things I don't even think about that blindside me.  

One example of the unexpected was filing taxes this year.  I knew it would be difficult so I prepared the best I could.  I was doing well until the end when the tax preparer mentioned that I would probably be filing head of household next year.  I don't want to be the head of the household!  Then it was time to sign the tax documents.  I signed my part & then noticed the other line for James's signature.  That really got me because it was another piece of James that was gone.  I knew that we were filing taxes jointly but I didn't think ahead far enough to realize that it would ask for his signature.

Another example of unexpected grief happened to me last week.  My parents have been going through it with their health & I went with my mom to the drugstore to pick up my dad's prescription.  While my mom was getting the prescription, I browsed the store.  They had these beautiful picture frames to celebrate wedding milestones.  I looked at the 25 year anniversary frame & it hit me that I'll never have that with James.  I almost broke down in the drugstore with that realization!

But I think that allowing myself to do hard things (even if they're unexpected) shows that this will not completely break me.  It might come close but there is also so much good in the world to be thankful for.  I may have not wanted this to happen to us but it has definitely given me the perspective that life is so precious.  Hold tight to the people you love because you never know when it will all be gone.