Wednesday, June 01, 2022

The Grief Diaries 7

The Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog //
 The 7th post in my 'grief diaries' series where I share my experiences in coping with my husband's death.

It is nearing the one-year mark since James was diagnosed with cancer.  I knew cancer would change our lives, but I never thought it would end so abruptly.  It's bringing up a lot of "what if?" emotions. 

What if James could have been diagnosed sooner?  

What if the last clinical trial he was set to participate in would have been his saving grace?  

What if James had the cancer tumor removed earlier?  

Would any of these things have brought a different outcome?  Would it have slowed down the cancer acceleration at all?  Would there have been a more terrible end of life situation if the cancer progressed more slowly?

It's easy to sit here & go over the list of things that could have possibly been done now that we know the outcome.  But you don't know what you don't know.

The Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog //

In my gut, I feel things ended in the best way possible for such a horrible situation.  I feel like everyone involved made the best decisions given the information they had.  I even had to decide to bring in hospice & comfort care.  There was little deliberation because there honestly wasn't another answer.  We were out of options.

A strange yet comforting part of my widowhood journey is that there is absolutely no one to blame or be angry with.  It was just something that happened & despite everyone's best efforts, it ended up in a loss.  Of course, I'm furious that my husband had to randomly get cancer at the peak of his life, but there is no one on this earth to blame for that.

The Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog //
Because of this experience, I have to believe everything happens for a reason.  I would be a lot more hateful if I didn't think that way.  I have to use the time I have left to do whatever I'm supposed to do. 

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