The Grief Diaries 6

The 6th post in my 'grief diaries' series where I share my experiences in coping with my husband's death.

Previous 'grief diaries:
- Grief Diaries 1
- Grief Diaries 2
- Grief Diaries 3
- Grief Diaries 4
- Grief Diaries 5

A weird part of grief is the ability to be both happy & sad at the exact same time.

Yesterday, I took my little plant seedlings to the greenhouse.  I've been slowly setting up the greenhouse to accommodate actual plants.  The weather is supposed to be warm enough from here on out for the plants to stay outside.  I'm trying to get my plants & supplies out of my actual house & into the greenhouse.

Once I got my little plant crew all set up, I stepped back & really looked at everything.  I was so incredibly happy to have a greenhouse to put my plants in.  I have wanted a greenhouse for years!  I finally talked my husband into building one last year.  The greenhouse was the last thing my husband built before our cancer nightmare started so 

it holds a really special place in my heart.

I was beaming with happiness at my greenhouse dreams finally coming true when the sadness hit:  I wish James was here to see this.  I wish he could see the flowers Braxton & I started.  I wish he was here to tell me I planted way too many seeds & that I said I was doing a "small garden" this year!  

I wish he could see the ridiculous lighting setup my dad & I did.  If James were here, I'm pretty sure there would be actual wiring in the greenhouse instead of an extension cord.  I'm sure James would laugh at the fact that I bought a 100ft extension cord when I only needed 25ft!  I hope he would be proud that, thanks to him, I can somewhat navigate Home Depot by myself to get what I needed for this project.

I hung up a cute sign on the outside of the greenhouse with nails & a hammer James left in there when he was helping me with yet another project.  As I stood on the stepladder, I remembered all the times James & I hung something up.  I was always the one to make sure it was where I wanted it & James hung it up.  Now I'm doing both things by myself.

I'm overwhelmed by both happiness & sadness for this life all at the same time.