Wednesday, March 02, 2022

The Grief Diaries 4

This is the fourth post in my 'grief diaries' series where I share my experiences in coping with my husband's death.

Previous 'grief diaries':
Grief Diaries 1
Grief Diaries 2
- Grief Diaries 3

I came across a fantastic video on Tik Tok last week.

The entire video is good but the words that stopped me in my tracks were this:

"Forever comes with an expiration date.  At some point, forever is going to come to an end."

The song "Forever After All" by Luke Combs gets me in my feelings every time.  The lyrics at the end of the song completely devastate me:

"And I know there'll be that moment
The good Lord calls one of us home And one won't have the other by their side
But heaven knows that that won't last too long
Maybe some things last forever after all"

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These are seemingly different views on forever but they both make sense to me.

For James, I was his forever.  He will always know me the way I was when he peacefully slipped away into eternity.  The woman who loved him until the day he died & beyond.  His partner who did everything with him.  We built a fantastic life together.  Aside from the cancer, I'm so glad James was able to leave this earth on a high note.  He finally became a father 10 days before he died.  I hope I will see him again when it is my time to leave this earth.

On the other hand, my forever ended abruptly at 8:42am on a random Wednesday in December, 10 days after we adopted our son & 11 days before Christmas.  I wholeheartedly believe my life ended the same time James's did, in an unsuspecting room tucked into the twists & turns of a large hospital.

The Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog // www.onthecreekblog.comThe Grief Diaries | On The Creek Blog //

What I have now is my new forever.  It's a world where I lost my husband who was also my best friend.  It's full of pain & new opportunities I didn't want.  It's navigating the reality of being a single mother.  It's finding who I am again after being a part of something great for almost 16 years.  It's not knowing what is worse--to be considered "single" or "widowed".  It's sad to know that even if I did find love again, it will look nothing like the life James & I had.  It's surreal to think I could have an entirely new life that James will not be a part of.

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