Wednesday, February 09, 2022

The Grief Diaries 1

the grief diaries | on the creek blog //

This is the first post in my 'grief diaries' series where I share my experience in coping with my husband's death.

Other 'Grief Diaries' posts
Grief Diaries 2
- Grief Diaries 3
Grief Diaries 4

This grief journey has been nothing but weird.

I was talking about my grief with a friend & he said something that has really been helping me.  It was basically that you can't let grief consume you.  You have to unpack it in small doses & then put it away.  You can't stay in the darkness forever.

the grief diaries | on the creek blog //

I try to live like this.  There are times when I slip up & find myself screaming & crying on the floor, absolutely consumed in my grief.  There are times when I feel so bad for being happy.  Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy knowing that my husband didn't get the chance to live more of his life.

Then I take a step back & realize getting older is guaranteed to no one & we'll never know when it will be our time to leave.  I can still mourn what could have been, but nothing will ever change what happened.

I know this grief will be with me forever, no matter how much happiness enters my life.  I have the rest of my life to go over my grief, so it doesn't feel all that bad to take it in small parts.  There is so much to unpack in the 7-month whirlwind of James's cancer diagnosis & death.  I can't expect to be over it in a short time.

the grief diaries | on the creek blog //

It's so strange to be so happy & so sad at the same time.  I'm learning to take in the happiness instead of bringing up the fact that James isn't here to see it.  One of the things I've learned through this experience is that life is so short.  Everyone deserves nothing but happiness.  I won't care about the little things when it is my time to leave this earth.  I'm going to care about the ones I loved & the ones that loved me.

I have a long journey ahead, but I'm slowly letting some light enter my life.

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