Fear is a Luxury. What Surviving Chaos Taught Me

As a widow, I can’t help but laugh at the comment sections of women rebuilding their lives after losing their husbands. The comments are brutal. She’s moving on too quickly, or she’s stuck in the past. She’s selling the marital home too soon or staying there too long. She’s too sad or not sad enough. Honestly, as widows, we can’t do anything right in the eyes of the internet.

But here’s the thing: I’m willing to bet that 99% of the people in those comment sections have never had to make sense of the explosion that is losing a spouse. They haven’t had to wake up in a silent house, stare at a stack of bills, and wonder how they will survive this new version of life alone. They haven’t had to make every decision on their own, or worse, had someone swoop in and promise to take care of everything, only to leave them even more broken.

I’ve Seen the Worst, and I’m Still Here

When you’ve walked through the depths of grief, when you’ve buried a piece of your heart and kept going anyway, fear starts to lose its grip. The little things that used to send you into a spiral just don’t hit the same anymore. I’m talking about widowhood here, but this goes for anyone who’s faced real, soul-crushing chaos – losing a child, going through a nasty divorce, clawing your way out of a financial crisis. When you’ve stood on the edge of the abyss and screamed into the void, not a lot scares you anymore. Maybe Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, but that’s about it.

Why I’m Unbothered by the Little Things

I used to worry about the dumbest things – what people thought of me, whether my house was spotless, or if I was doing everything right as a mom. But grief has a way of resetting your priorities. It teaches you that fear is a luxury for people who haven’t been broken. It makes you fearless in the most chaotic, beautifully unhinged way.

These days, I don’t stress over the little stuff. I let my kid have way too much screen time because, honestly, it keeps us both sane. I stopped worrying about being the perfect mom a long time ago. I bought an entire house to flip because I had faith it would all work out – and it did. I take risks now that would have terrified me a few years ago because I know that as long as I’m still here, I’ll find a way through.

Turning Fear into Fuel

That fearless energy has spilled into every part of my life. I’ll start a project without knowing how it will turn out. I’ll take on challenges because I know that even if it goes sideways, I’ll figure it out. Once you’ve lived through the worst days of your life, you realize you can handle whatever comes next. Fear isn’t a barrier anymore – it’s just a reminder that I’ve survived bigger things.

If You’ve Survived Walmart, You’ve Survived It All

And let’s be real, 10 years in retail will toughen you up too. I’ve seen grown adults throw tantrums over price mismatches. I’ve been cussed out because the store didn’t have the right kind of avocado. I’ve felt my soul leave my body in the fluorescent hell of a Walmart break room. Working retail during the holidays? That’ll test your will to live. When you’ve been through that and then gone on to lose the love of your life, fear just feels like another Tuesday.

Embracing the Chaos

I’m not fearless because I’m brave. I’m fearless because I’ve been broken, burned, and rebuilt. Because I’ve been to hell and back and adjusted Satan’s thermostat. I’m still here, and that’s what makes me dangerous. Fear no longer controls me because I’ve already seen the worst and survived.

If you’ve been through hell and back and still show up for yourself every day, you’re my kind of person. Let’s connect.